Uncertainty…

 

Answers. Even though DI is not the answer we wanted, we were thankful to have answers.  But, that was yesterday.  Today we learned that she doesn’t have DI after all.  That should leave me so relieved…but I’m not.  I can’t shake the feeling that we are missing something.  Faith has had so many odd symptoms this week and so many abnormal lab results.  Something is not right, but what? 

This week she has been drinking and wetting more than (anywhere near) normal.  She’s had good blood sugars, but large ketones.  HIGH blood sugars and no ketones.  For the past 48 hours I have increased her basal rate by a scary amount and struggled to get her bg below 300.  (It’s only happened about 3 times in 48 hours)  She has been sweating profusely.  Getting almost panicky when her bottle is empty, and even eating more than normal at times.  Her pee has NO smell and almost no color at all and she has dark circles under her eyes.  Some of these things probably wouldn’t even be noticeable to anyone else, but I notice them.

Right now the most unsettling of all the symptoms is the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I just can’t shake it. 

But, why?  Is it the Holy Spirit or my paranoia?

The other feeling I can’t shake is guilt.  I have a friend that is SO gracefully living the nightmare we have been praying about and dreading this week.  Her daughter was born with DI and diagnosed with Type 1 at 2 yrs old.  I can’t help but feel so guilty and sad that we got to dodge that bullet and she didn’t.  I know it is all part of God’s plan.  I know that.  But, it is still hard to understand and live with.

 

Tonight Grace came in my room and said, “Momma, I’ve been real worried about Faith this week.  I didn’t like her not being in her bed last night.  I kept getting up and looking over in her crib hoping she would be there…”

(Pause.  Obviously has been pondering something and wants to ask, but not sure how.)

“Momma…how long is Faith going to live?”

 

“Well, baby, until God calls her home.  Same as the rest of us.”

Type 1 is not a death sentence.  You can have this disease and manage it well and go on to live a long happy (different and hard, but happy) life.  BUT, it definitely can get scary and especially at this age..and it causes all kinds of emotions.  I don’t mean to sound like we dwell on death or even the negative aspects of this disease.  We really try to go on living our normal lives in spite of it, but there’s no getting away from it and some days it just gets you down.  I just want to share honestly what it’s like to live with diabetes and honestly, some days, it’s hard to ignore the what-if’s.

 

I read this somewhere and have really been repeating it to myself today…  He is who He was yesterday.

 

and He will be tomorrow…