Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Mixed emotions

Today was just one of those days. 

It rained, which was GREAT! But, that meant my kids were stuck  inside ALL day which is NOT great.

Got a call that my friend’s little girl accepted Christ tonight which is INCREDIBLE! But, I’m so bummed that we weren’t there to see it. (More about this in a minute)

Changed Faith’s infusion set today.  For the first time she didn’t wince, whimper or grimace. At all.  She just sat there and let me do what I needed to do.  When I was done, JC (my 7 yr old) said, “Wow, momma.  She didn’t make a peep!” Now, you might think this is a great thing.  Truth be told, it is. BUT, it filled me with so much emotion, and not all good.  For some reason I was overcome with deep sadness.  It makes no sense, really.  It just made me realize (again) that this is something that Faith is just going to have to learn to live with.  Like not crying over it is admitting defeat somehow.  Like fighting me when I’m inserting a new infusion set is a slap in diabetes’ face.  I know fighting it won’t help anything and it’s best for her to learn to just roll with it.  My head knows this. My momma’s heart wants to scream. Maybe I’m offended that my 16 mo old is handling this more graciously than I am.  I’m supposed to be the one holding it together for her, right?  I gotta tell ya, most days I feel like she’s the rock in this situation.  I keep it together on the outside, but inside I just wanna lay in the floor and throw a fit!  Then I look at that precious Faith, and hear her say “Thank you”, and smile and play… On one hand I feel like I should scream and warn her…I feel like she has no idea what the rest of her life is going to be like with this damn disease.  Like she’s running out in front of a train and I can’t get her to stop.  On the other hand, I thank God that he has so blessed her and I think to myself that I wish I had the strength and grace  that she has. 

Tonight when my kids and I all piled up in the boys’ room to pray my Eli (2 yr old) went first.  We have never been a family that did those little sing song prayers with our kids.  We just pray in front of them and allow (and encourage) them to pray in their own words when they’re ready.  It always surprises us how early they are ready and how deep their prayers can be.  Tonight was the first time that my little Eli branched out and really prayed from his heart beyond the thank you for my mom and dad stuff.  He prayed and thanked God for his daddy having “a good job that was blessings” and “Keep daddy safe at work and send him blessings”.  It was too cute. 

JC’s prayers are always filled with wisdom.  He thinks of and prays things that I am ashamed to say I might overlook if he didn’t remind me during his prayer time and in the most honest ways.  Listening to him pray is like sitting and listening to a conversation between friends.  I love that.  I can’t wait to see what God has planned for my little man.  Tonight he prayed for Dr Casas and his family.  Nothing new about that, really, we always thank God for him. Except that JC prayed for his children specifically.  That just really struck me.

Grace. Oh Grace. This child wears me out and challenges me and humbles me and blesses me in the most extreme ways.  Nothing is middle of the road with her.  If I’m honest with you I’ll tell you that some days I struggle to see this as a blessing.  Then she says something that knocks me to the floor.  Tonight she prayed for the bully girl at her school.  If you’ve followed me on facebook you’ve heard me mention her before.  This little girl has tortured Grace all year, yet Grace just loves and prays on.  Amazing.  She doesn’t pray little ‘make her be nice’ prayers either.  It’s breaking down strongholds kind of stuff.  Always floors me. Then she started to pray for Faith…  and apparently I’m not the only one that was filled with sadness over Faith’s diabetes today.  It was all I could do to keep it together tonight when she thanked God that Faith was still with us and prayed that God would allow Faith to grow up a little longer so she could see what it was like to be a big kid. Man oh man.

Then as we’re sitting there talking to Daddy on the phone and telling him good night we get the text that our friend, little 7 yr old Aly Belle, had accepted Christ.  You’d have thought we’d gotten word that we won the lottery or something! (Aly did!) We were whoopin and hollerin and prayin.  After I walked out of the boys room and headed to tuck the girls in I heard JC say to Eli, “Hey, you wanna pray and thank God that Aly got saved?” and Eli exclaimed “Yeah!” So I stood just outside their door and listened to the most precious little boys pray the most precious prayer thanking God for saving their little friend Aly’s life.  I was so moved and so thankful. Kids get more about this stuff then we usually give them credit for. 

Then the house got quiet and we all started missing daddy. And crying.  And needing sips of water. And needing to go potty. And Faith’s pump started going off. 

Just one of those days…

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