Exhale...

A good God does everything He does for good reason. - Gregg Harris


I've been holding on to this truth this week.  


I have gone back and forth about whether or not to share all this on here, but so many of you have emailed or texted with concern.  I've been too sad to respond, but writing is therapeutic for me, so I decided I'll write it all out and share it with those of you that have been checking on us this week.  It's going to be ridiculously long and probably whiney, you've been warned.


About 7 weeks ago, Chuck and I found out we were pregnant.  We were absolutely NOT trying, and we were in shock - and I was completely overwhelmed at the thought of getting even less sleep.  But, we love our big family, so we quickly became very excited about having another precious, funny Wilson kiddo running around this house.  And, if we believe what God says about children - and if we believe God when he says that he won't give us more than we can handle with His strength - then we could see this as nothing but an incredible blessing.


I know some of you are thinking WHAT?!?  Doesn't she have a full plate already? 


Yes, and our hearts are full too.  


I know that to some of you four kids seems like a lot.  To be honest, I'm no more overwhelmed with 4 than I was with 1 or 2.  I know this sounds crazy, but in many ways it gets easier with more children.


I'm so ashamed to say that the one thing that tempered my excitement was the thought of telling others of this blessing and listening to all the negative OMGosh, another baby??  Don't you know what causes that?? comments.  Never again.


Ok, fast forward a bit to two weeks ago.


Chuck is walking through the kitchen one evening and he mentions nonchalantly that he'd been having to run to the bathroom alot the past few days.  Immediately, I thought of diabetes.  


I had him check his blood sugar.


An ugly 354 looked back at us.


No way.


We re-checked.


We grabbed a different meter.  


The ugly number wouldn't go away.


I checked his ketones and thankfully they were negative, so I waited until the next morning and got him in with the first dr that would see him.


Later that day, while I was educating 300+ high school students about diabetes and service dogs, Chuck was at the dr being diagnosed with diabetes.


And, they suspected it could be type 1.


I emailed Dr Casas for a recommendation for an Endo that was knowledgeable about adult onset Type 1.  In true Dr C fashion, and keeping with the Godsend that he's been for us, he called me on my cell.  He scolded me for not calling him first (he's Faith's pedi Endo...I didn't want to waste his time.  I felt like it would be like calling your mechanic and telling him you had a flat on your bike or something - not his problem.)  I was wrong.  He's been SO helpful - ordering tests that should have been run by the first dr, following up on Chuck's condition and numbers, even starting him on insulin to get him some relief while we wait to find out the results of the antibody tests (to determine which type he has).  Once again, we are so very thankful to have Dr Casas in our lives.  For the record, the other dr hasn't checked on Chuck's numbers even once.  Ugh.


While type 2 seems like it would be the lesser of the evils at this point, Chuck is almost hoping it's type 1 because Faith is so excited that her "daddy hab da betes wike me!"  How will we explain to her that daddy gets "cured" (through diet and exercise if it's type 2) while she still has to live with diabetes...and insulin...and needles?  


This was on Wednesday.  On Friday, Chuck started insulin, I had two tests to take at school, a Spanish class to attend...AND had a kidney stone starting to move.  Can I tell you?  I've had four babies and I've never experienced worse pain than kidney stones.  It's excruciating when it's at it's worst.  I needed to go to school...and I needed to go to the ER to get some relief from the kidney stone pain.  


But, I couldn't leave not knowing how the insulin would affect Chuck.  Did we have his dosage right?  I was terrified and decided to stay home.


Saturday Chuck and I had the rare (and MUCH anticipated - literally for weeks) privilege of having a sitter for Faith.  We were both so miserable, but determined to enjoy a little time alone.  We dropped the big kids off with my mom, dropped Faith off with an amazing couple we met at Tyler Type One and have grown to love, and headed to have dinner.  


But we were both so miserable.  We went out to eat, picked up Faith, and then headed home.


By the time we got there I was only peeing blood.  (TMI?  Sorry...)


I couldn't stand it any more and headed to the ER.  The horribly arrogant ER dr kept me overnight on morphine and sent me home with 3 Rx's and instructions to return if I got worse.  


I was back within hours unable to pass anything but drops of blood.  I ended up in there all day with them pumping me full of fluids, antibiotics, and painkillers (Thank you!).  Because I was pregnant they couldn't do a CT Scan, so the (much better than the day before) ER dr did an ultrasound to check my kidneys and decided to check the baby while we were at it.


He came back in the room and asked me how far along in my pregnancy I was.  When I told him he responded by telling me that I needed to follow up the following day with my OB/Gyn.  I told him he couldn't say something like that without elaborating, so he told me that he just didn't see what he expected to see on my ultrasound.  



Of course, the next morning I was on the phone with my dr.  She had me come in right away, reassuring me the whole time that everything was probably fine.


It wasn't.  


Chuck and I were heartbroken to learn that there was no heartbeat.  Our baby had stopped developing.


The dr offered to do a D&C, but Chuck and I couldn't go for it yet.  If God wanted to work a miracle we weren't going to limit him by doing what seemed "easier" and if I was going to miscarry then taking a week to pray about it wasn't going to change anything.  We agreed to pray about it for a week and reassess.


All the while I'm still miserable with pain from the kidney stones -  and my poor husband is miserable with crazy high blood sugars and adjusting to the insulin and meds - and he's having to take care of me and the kids.  God love him.


The next morning I called the urologist about my symptoms and was told to go back to the ER.  I ended up spending the entire day in the hospital again.  Because we had learned that there was no heartbeat, the (best of all three) ER dr did a CT Scan to check the stones and found a mass on my left ovary.


Oh my goodness.  I know these things happen all the time, but everything happening at once just had us so beat down.


But, God is good and blessed us with some of the best friends.  When they learned of what we were going through they called, emailed, brought food.  We are so grateful.


We went back to the OB dr today and were told that I was hemorrhaging around the baby, and I spiked a fever yesterday, and it just makes more sense to go through with the D&C.  I go into the hospital tomorrow and should get to come home right after.


This has been a rough 10 days.  We know things could be worse, and we know things will get better, but right now we are overwhelmed and so, so very sad.  


Thank you so much for your love and prayers.  We appreciate it more than you know.








Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them. ~Elisabeth Elliot

Dear Faith,

Well, Sugar Britches, we made it through the first year.

There were times I wondered whether or not we would.  November 17, 2009 changed our lives forever.  You have been put through the ringer over the past 12 months, but you've handled it like such a trooper.  Your daddy and I couldn't be prouder of you!  When I got the news that you had Type 1 Diabetes I was devastated.  I could never have imagined how God would use your life story.  It is amazing and humbling. I hope you will grow up to realize and embrace how strong He can and wants to be in your weakness, and how much of a purpose and a plan he has for you.  Lean on Him, baby girl, He won't fail you.  I have really learned that this past year.  I pray every day for a cure, but also that, in the meantime, your struggle will point others to Christ.  I pray that your health will be good throughout your life.  I hope you know that I try to take the best care of you that I possibly can.  I do everything in my power to set you up for a healthy life and to reduce your risk of complications as much as possible.  I pray that, when you're old enough to take over your care (like in 25ish years, ok?), you will go easy on me - that's going to be an interesting transition for both of us!  I pray that you will not allow this disease to rob you of a full life.  I pray that you will take ownership of your health, manage your diabetes the best you can, and LIVE. 

I pray that you know, really know, how very much your dad, brothers, sister, and I love you...but most of all, I pray that you will grow to understand how much God loves you. 

I would take this disease on for you in a heartbeat, if I could...but I can't.  So I will always be here for you...every step of the way.  I won't stop praying and I won't take a break until you can.

I love you, Sweet Faify Bidness.

-Mom

This was taken the first time you stood up again after your diagnosis.  It was 3 days later.

You were so sick. :(  For a while, the hospital was our home away from home.

Dear JC, Grace, & Eli,

I know this past year has been hard on the three of you as well.  I know it hasn't been easy to watch your baby sister be so sick, so often.  I know it gets scary sometimes.  You are all so quick to pray for Faith when it gets rough and that has been such a good example for me.  Your childlike faith reminds me to run to our heavenly Father when I'm afraid.  Thank you for that.  I know it can't be easy to watch your baby sister get so much more attention.  I know it is hard to understand all that has gone on.  The way you have handled yourselves this past year makes your daddy and I SO very proud of you.  You have been understanding and compassionate.  Faith could not possibly ask for better siblings to walk with down this road.  I pray every day that each of you will know how very much I love you.  I pray that you will somehow understand WHY your sister needs more attention sometimes and that you'll never feel slighted or jealous.  You are all so very precious to me.  I love you more than I can ever express to you.  I pray that each of you will see that God loves you even more than that!!  (all the way to Jesus and back ;)  I pray that you will continue to grow closer to Jesus and love and serve Him all your lives. 

You make me SO very proud to be your momma.

I love you, Handsome Man, Sister Bidness, and Eebs...very, very much.

-Mom